> > My old man smoked cigarettes for two years prior to turning
> > twenty. 40 years later he told me he sometimes still gets the urge
> > to have a durry. 
> > 
> > I'm sitting here absolutely covered in lung juice, my monitor has
> > phlegm dripping off it like blood down a wall in a horror movie,
> > there is green snot hanging from the lightshade, if I stand up I
> > sink up to my ankles in spit and to top it all off every single
> > multi-coloured object in the room besides the goober sizzling on
> > the bulb is yellow. The hacking, gagging, snorting, snuffling 
> > backbeat of my personal soundtrack drowns out the steady
> > disarythmic bombitteybom of me addled raddled ticker. 
> > 
> > Might as well light up, Oscar, we all die of something.
> > 
> > http://www.lifeinlegacy.com/
> > 
> > And we could die at any time.
> 
> Crikey. What a story, what a bloat.
 
By bloat you must mean the above website because you can't possibly see my 
stomach from where you are standing. Surely not? 

My guts are hairy too and this is a nice segue into my next Aeslopian blub. I, 
like any smoker, give up from time to time, I once lasted 8 months until I 
mistakenly bought a packet while my thoughts were elsewhere. So I'd given up 
this one time and I was sitting on the couch very fucking bored with life, 
trying to stop thinking about how much I wanted a ciggie when I decided to shave 
my groins.

A mate had recently done the same, along with his missus (I spared a couple of 
thoughts for her bald badger) and reckoned it improved his sexlife so I was keen 
to give it a go. I spent the next hour or so whacking back the forest to better 
see my stump then broke out the cheapo razor and focused like a Chinese barber 
as I gave my balls the old scorched earth.

Once I was finished I noted the rude disparity between my billiard ball slick 
bollies and custom cue, they now stood out in stark contrast to my 
aforementioned hirsute girth and I actually considered shaving my guts as well. 
Thankfully, my new freshness suddenly made me horny and I had to test out the 
equipment. At first I felt like a paedo but I was soon up to cruising speed.

Severals hours later I heard the wife come home so I jumped into bed and 
prepared for the upcoming ravishment I felt I was due. As she walked into the 
room I whipped back the sheet and revealed myself in all my bald glory but my 
hopes were dashed as a look of utter horror crossed her face and she cried `that 
looks fucking disgusting!11one!1'

Embarrassing times.

-- 
(19) Cypher